Building Trust and Developing Deeper Intimacy

By: Tamara Ince

One night a girl was bored and messaged a guy on Instagram direct messenger.  They chatted awhile and flirted.  They then connected on Skype and hit it off.  Dates followed and everything looked promising.  Yet, the girl was scared, she didn’t let the guy lead.  She didn’t share much of her background with him.  Soon this lack of trust led to them breaking up. What could have ended up as an ideal match turned into a tragic love story?  Whether you are scared or unable to trust due to childhood abuse, traumas, past infidelities or other issues, now is the time to overcome these.

Although most never really give much thought about trust throughout the day, it affects every aspect of our love and personal lives.  If you cannot trust, then you may never be able to enjoy the full range of joys achievable from an intimate and healthy relationship with another.  Experts from both Redeemer University College and Northwestern University have conducted research of trust in undergraduates’ relationships.  They concluded that those in the most trusting relationships also expressed greater intimacy and joy. Furthermore, those with greater trust were able to better handle the inevitable challenges that pop up in relationships.

With the help of a licensed therapist, you can overcome the past and learn to trust and improve your lives.  The healing can begin today by taking the following simple steps:
 

1. Let your partner or a date plan a date night with no restrictions.  Once you see that he or she can do a small thing right, then you will feel more comfortable letting him or her make bigger decisions. 
2. Let others see your flaws by going out without the perfect hair or make-up, so you can see nothing bad happens.  Once you understand people won’t berate you for dingy clothes, you will feel more comfortable revealing larger things in your life.
3. Confide in others small secrets, so that you can build trust and begin trusting more. 
4. Stop judging others because, if you judge others, then you tend to expect others to judge you. 
5. Keep promises because if you don’t let people trust you, then you likely will be wary of trusting them. 
6. Always tell the truth because, if you don’t, then you will be less likely to expect others to tell you the truth. 
7. Be yourself in front of others.  By presenting yourself honestly in every situation, you show others that you are someone that can be trusted.  This can lead to them being more comfortable with you.  Thus, they will most likely show you their true selves. Thus, you will be more likely to be able to trust them.

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​References:
 
Larzelere, Robert E., and Ted L. Huston. "The dyadic trust scale: Toward understanding interpersonal trust in close relationships." Journal of Marriage and the Family (1980): 595-604.
 
Rosenthal, Doreen A., Ross M. Gurney, and Susan M. Moore. "From trust on intimacy: A new inventory for examining Erikson's stages of psychosocial development." Journal of Youth and Adolescence 10.6 (1981): 525-537.
 
VanDeusen, Karen M., and Ineke Way. "Vicarious trauma: An exploratory study of the impact of providing sexual abuse treatment on clinicians' trust and intimacy." Journal of child sexual abuse 15.1 (2006): 69-85.
 

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Author

Tamara Ince is the founder of Ince Counseling, a boutique style group practice that provides a safe milieu where individuals can reflect on their past, identify their triggers and learn to better manage their lives with awareness.  Tamara has always been curious about the brain and behavior, and how life’s circumstances shape how we feel about ourselves and how we receive information from our environment.  Follow Tamara @InceCounseling