Trapped in the Narcissist’s Shadow

By: Tamara Ince

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​Jane jokes about how, when she first met Ryan, he said, “but enough about me, how do you feel about me.” At the time, she thought it was funny how he asked this after going on and on about himself for hours. Yet, years and tears later, she realized that she was trapped in a relationship with a narcissist. Not only was everything about him, but he also drained her emotionally with demands. By the time she escaped from living in his shadow, she had lost her sense of self worth and her mental health was tragically injured.
 
Do you think that you are in a relationship with a narcissist? We are living in an increasingly narcissistic country. Statistics and science demonstrate that the “look at me” focus on social networks, such as Facebook, has contributed to an exponential increase in narcissists. The result is that many are stuck in relationships with partners or parents, where one person demands all your attention and makes you feel guilty when you share that attention with others, or even focus some of it on yourself.
 
If your partner or parent engages in manipulative behaviors, plays games, interrupts you repeatedly, always need attention and affirmation, is easily slighted, reacts disproportionately to criticisms, always talks about themselves, and feels that they need to be the best and most important thing in your life, they may be a narcissist. These are the typical signs of a narcissist. Narcissists, only appear to care about you and your interests when doing so fulfills their needs or desires.
 
If you were raised by a narcissist or are in a relationship with one, you will likely find that it causes you severe emotional distress. It can rob you of your sense of self worth, cause isolation, cause depressions and worse. If your partner is finding himself or herself unable to connect to others, having trouble with activities of daily living, having problems in relationships, or having trouble achieving goals, then it may be time for you to encourage the narcissist to seek professional help. When you think the person may need help, encourage him or her to have an evaluation. Mental health therapy can empower people overcome narcissist tendencies by recognizing and separating the self attacking, self aggrandizing, and self soothing attitudes of their inner voice. It can also help them differentiation negative from positive actions and develop a sense of compassion.
 
Similarly, it may be time for you to seek mental help if you feel that you are developing self worth issues or drowning in negativity. A holistic treatment plan can help you develop corrective behaviors, build real self-esteem and not be defined by the narcissists in your life or the traits that attracted him or her to you.
 
Ask yourself, does someone in your life exhibit the following symptoms:

• Sense of superiority
• No empathy
• Manipulative behavior
• Need for admiration
• Exclusive focus on self needs
• Aggressiveness
• Difficulty taking direction?

If so it may be time for both you and that person to seek an evaluation and get help.

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​References:
All you need to know about Narcissists (n.d.). Retrieved July 16, 2017, from http://thenarcissisticlife.com/narcissistic-parents-impact-children
 
Levy, K. N., Reynoso, J. S., Wasserman, R. H., & Clarkin, J. F. (2007). Narcissistic personality disorder.
Narcissistic personality disorder Symptoms. (2014, November 18). Retrieved July 16, 2017, from http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568
 
Narcissistic personality disorder Symptoms. (2014, November 18). Retrieved July 16, 2017, from http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568
 
Raskin, R. N., & Hall, C. S. (1979). A narcissistic personality inventory. Psychological reports.
 
Seltzer, L. F. (2015, July 28). This Is What Really Makes Narcissists Tick. Retrieved July 16, 2017, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201507/is-what-really-makes-narcissists-tick

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Author

Tamara Ince is the founder of Ince Counseling, a boutique style group practice that provides a safe milieu where individuals can reflect on their past, identify their triggers and learn to better manage their lives with awareness.  Tamara has always been curious about the brain and behavior, and how life’s circumstances shape how we feel about ourselves and how we receive information from our environment.  Follow Tamara @InceCounseling